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Lawns of Myron
is a proposed situational
comedy which features two landscapers who live together in a duplex in
Myron, Louisiana (with footnotes, as they relate to the Censorship
Regulations of the National Board of Review, formerly called the National
Board of Censorship, as published in 1919.)
Glenn's Ankle Injury
INT - DAY - THE APARTMENT
GLENN opens the front door and enters the living room.
RON
What
are you doing home?
GLENN
takes off his shirt at the front closet.
GLENN
I
came back to take a little cat nap.(1)
RON
Mr.
Grant won't like that.
GLENN
Not
if he finds out. But he's such a stupid little idiot, he'll never find
out, will he? What are you doing home?
RON
Man,
I came home to drink beer. It's too hot to mulch out there, bro. (2)
GLENN
Tell
me about it.
GLENN
heads toward the couch but trips over the ottoman. Ron races to him, but
we see GLENN fall in slow motion.
RON
MAN,
NO, BRO!
We
see GLENN's ankle, which is twisted like a scarecrow's. A small pool of
blood is forming.
GLENN
Ow,
I think it's broken.
RON
Oh,
man, how are we going to explain this at the landscaping place where we
both work, Lawns of Myron?
GLENN
What
incredible pain!
We
see GLENN's ankle again. The pool continues to grow. (3)
RON
Man,
you've really done it this time, bro.
GLENN
Ow!
RON
We
need a plan to hide your injury and get you back to work before Mr.
Grant finds out.
GLENN
Take
me to the fucking hospital!
RON
Man,
that won't work at all. Then we'll both be missing bro!
GLENN
It's
broken for sure, I can tell. You've got to help me.
RON
OK,
OK. What should I do?
GLENN
You've
got to stop the bleeding and dress the wound.
RON
You
won't catch me in a dress, bro.
GLENN
Idiot!
You don't wear the dress, you just wrap the wound in a bandage.
RON
Oh.
GLENN
It'll
keep the injury from getting worse.
RON
Oh.
GLENN
Then
call 911.
Cut
to GLENN's ankle. Still the pool of blood grows. A pillow on the floor is
nearly soaked now.
RON
Promise
me I don't have to wear a dress.
GLENN
Call
an ambulance, you jackass!
RON
exits the room, and heads to the kitchen. He picks up the phone, and
begins dialing.
RON
(to
himself): This is crazy. Glenn's going to get us both caught.
RON
hangs up.
GLENN
(from
other room): Are you calling them?
RON
One
second, bro, I'm real busy right now.
RON
grabs a beer. Then he lights a cigarette, using a small burning American
flag. (4)
CUT
TO COMMERCIAL.
RON
comes back and convinces the now lightheaded GLENN that calling an
ambulance is a bad idea. By this time, the pool of blood has become
enormous. RON convinces GLENN to call into work and say that he's stuck on
a delivery, buying more mulch for a job. RON grabs another beer. (5) While
GLENN fades in and out of consciousness, RON begins to explain a new idea.
They leave the apartment. Ron drives them to a job site. They get out and RON nicks GLENN's leg with a
weedwacker. (6) RON runs away. (7) An hour
passes, and a crew member notices GLENN as he walks by with a lawn mower.
INT
- DAY - THE APARTMENT
GLENN's
foot is elevated on the couch, where he wakes up from a nap. Ron
enters with a plate of small finger sandwiches, which he places in front
of GLENN.
RON
Eat
up. You need your strength.
RON
Man,
what a day! I can't believe I cut my own foot off with a weed wacker.(8)
RON
(mugs
to camera, winks) Tell me about it!(9, 10)
FADE
TO BLACK.
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FOOTNOTES:
(1) FARCES, BURLESQUES,
AND SATIRES
No attacks on existing customs, beliefs and manners which offend the moral
sense.
(2) VULGARITY
Scenes which have a double meaning and which offend the sense of morality,
decency and propriety or arouse unclean thoughts in the onlooker, deride
virtue, and have a tendency to weaken the moral fibre must be eliminated.
(3) VIOLENCE AND DEATH
The tendency of the Board is to avoid anything which may offer dangerous
suggestions as well as scenes showing detailed presentation of agony which
accompanies death with blood, contortions, staring eyes, etc.
(4) PUBLIC PROPERTY
AND ITS OFFICIALS
Symbols of the Government, like the flag, must be handled with the utmost
respect. It is also dangerous to show tampering with the mails.
(5) BAR ROOMS AND
DRUNKENESS
Stories in which drunkenness is a sustained theme are objectionable.
(6) SENSELESS USE
OF WEAPONS:
The use of so-called "frontier-justice" to obtain results in
opposition to the regular agents of the law must be eliminated.
(7) MOTIVE AND
RESULT OF CRIME
There must be adequate motive for the commission of a crime. However, the
board will not excuse the apparent approval of any motive that prompts a
crime.
(8) BETRAYAL OF INNOCENCE
Themes of this sort must be handled with due seriousness and sympathy.
(9) PUNISHMENT
FOLLOWING CRIME
It should be shown that evil brings its own punishment.
(10)CRIME AND ITS METHODS
The Board insists on a sane balancing of the picture so that the final
effect will be good. The portrayal of crime that panders to a morbid
appetite will be condemned. Unusual tricks, skill or ingenuity in the
perpetration of crime which would offer a bad suggestion, must not be
shown.
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